If Reading/Leeds is the answer, then the question must be God awful

Ben Scothern recently went to a psychiatrist and he recommended he relieves his stress by ranting about things he finds intolerable.

We here at The Raccoon always like to help out a friend so we let him shout and bellow, mainly because it’s incredibly entertaining. Here are his views on the runt/s of all festivals: Reading/Leeds.

Today, I looked at the line-up for Reading and Leeds Festivals, the festivals of choice for people who missed out on most of the other festivals. I’m only going to talk about a few stages and acts, because a lot of it is yet to be announced, and nobody wants to be on this page any longer than necessary.

Headliners: Green Day, Eminem and Biffy Clyro. This year’s headliners are sponsored by Ryan Giggs.

An absolute mid-life crisis of a headline line up. Green Day, who were announced as last year’s Totally Underwhelming Secret Act, return as actual proper headliners. Maybe they were booked by accident. I’m being a bit harsh on Green Day, I think it’s because when there were rumours of a secret act last year, I was led to believe it was Bloc Party, only for it to be absolutely not Bloc Party.

Following the ‘Aren’t You A Bit Old For This?’ theme is Eminem. Like any horrible, scummy little disappointment, I was a big Eminem fan in my earlier years. Recently he has basked in mediocrity, and reaches the absolute peak of his career at Reading and Leeds.

Finally, Biffy Clyro. I have no opinions on this band, except the slogan of choice for their fans is “’mon the Biff!” So there’ll be loads of people saying that.

Other acts on the main stage that you may hear from a distance as you visit an entirely different area are Nine Inch Nails, Fallout Boy, That Band From the Eon Advert, and Hadouken!. The main stage will be transformed into a MySpace page circa 2004 for the latter. Some you might want to actually witness are Foals, and… nope, just Foals. Although seeing the chaos when System of A Down play Chop Suey will probably be fantastic.

Over to the NME/Radio 1 Stage, and the organizers have gone for a little more diversity it seems. A$AP Rocky plays, along with professional antagoniser of the elitist, Skrillex. Flavour of 2013, folk wonderkid and charisma-vacuum Jake Bugg takes second billing, under Mercury Prize winners Alt-J. Disclosure bring their live set to the festival, and you can catch thousands of people chatting for 45 minutes while they wait for Azealia Banks to play 212 at the end of her set.

So far on the Dance Stage only three acts have been announced: Knife Party, Sub Focus and Magnetic Man complete a triangulate of bass-heavy headliners.

Let’s move to the urban side of the festival, where the government just doesn’t care about us, and we can find Wiley leaving behind his grime roots to play his summery smash hits. Probably. Devlin will be cramming too many words into a sentence for an hour, as he’s managed to get booked as a headliner. I think Boy Better Know are there as well. They’re like Odd Future, but they don’t come equipped with a horde of Supreme wearing vagrants.

Under the ‘Also Appearing’ category (not sure if that’s a stage, I doubt it) is Baauer, which means we will probably see the world’s first live-action meme. Also in that quite frankly undermining bracket are Swim Deep, Modestep (Jesus wept) and Theme Park.

The Lock-Up, Festival Republic, BBC Introducing and Alternative stages are yet to be announced. Or they just aren’t going to book anyone. Maybe it’ll be open mic.

Just some of my thoughts on the (currently available) lineup for Reading and Leeds. I honestly would cover all of them if I could/wanted to, but I can’t/don’t. If you do go, and it’s really totally fucking awesome, then feel free to come back and leave loads of mean comments about how wrong I was.


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